A poem....that says everything I can't stop thinking about today....

Today, which is about exactly 24 hours after a highly emotionally charged (sober!) moment where judgement went out the window and I kissed my best (guy) friend.

He has a girlfriend...I have a boyfriend. Ugh. I am such an idiot....but I wouldn't change yesterday for the world.

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Ripping myself apart from the inside out.
Overanalyzing; my head filling with doubt.
Overstepped boundaries, one kiss too far;
I knew it from the moment I drove away in my car.

Now look at what I have allowed to occur!
Reasoning so clear to me then is now just a blur.
Surely we can fix this, as we are the best of friends.
You're the one I turn to when I need to make ammends
with anyone - but now this awkwardness with you
has left me restless and I don't know what to do.

All I want is for you  to just call me
right in this moment reassurance is key!
But I'm stuck in this horrible girly emotional stress.
Since when did friends like us get into such a mess?

Why did I let you kiss me? Why did I kiss you back?
I hate being the girl who can't rise above emotions under attack.

Just as I am curious as to see what the gen-pop has to say about the issue of my previous post, I'm sure you can imagine it has relevance to my own life too.

So, here's a readers' digest version of my story...

I was raised in a very religious family. I vowed to wait until my wedding night to lose my virginity. I even wore a promise ring as a teenager and as a college student. And YES! I successfully waited until marriage. I was my husband's first as well. I was 20 (almost 21) then.

But....the husband that I waited so long for is now my EX-husband. He later told me that he thought we weren't a compatible match, sexually...and later admitted to cheating on me multiple times. I forgave him the first time I found out (he promised to never do it again)...but 2 years later, I caught him in another affair and when I confronted him about it, he left me and moved in with "her". That was almost a year ago and to my knowledge, they are still together.

I guess ignorance was my bliss during my marriage....I didn't think sex with him was all THAT wonderful, but it wasn't terrible, either. I figured that's just how it was meant to be, since I didn't have experience with anyone to compare him to.

Now I am questioning everything. Had I decided to have sex with him before marriage, maybe we would have never married (and I would have been saved from all of these years of heartache that have robbed me of my early 20s!)

Spokenfor@xanga, you said in your comment on my previous entry that you've never heard anyone regret waiting until marriage....well, now you have.