Friday, 11 July 2008
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Sex BEFORE the L-word?
My older-and-still-single cousin recently told me about her "three month" rule. She said that if you can't say (or feel the beginnings of) an "I love you" after three months, you probably never will, or will never really mean it.
That is where my sex question comes in.....is it detrimental to the relationship to have sex before either party is able to say the L word?
And, what is your opinion of the "three month" rule?
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Comments (4)
three months is kinda jumping the gun isn't it? I can't imagine pouring my heart and soul to a person I've started dating for 3 months. How could you possibly really know them? Whats the rush? I feel thats a major issue nowadays. People are always in a rush to grab the closest person and pronounce them their "soul mate" in fear that we'll grow old and lonely. In my opinion... the safe way is to wait to you love someone to have a sexual relationship because to me... the act of sex is very intimate and I would only want to share it with someone I really cared about. But a lot of people have sex before they commit and its casual to them.
@ChinKyElla@xanga - For some people it is, but that isn't always the case.
Anyway, to the answering of the question and making my point about the sentence above. No, I don't think that it is important to have sex before saying "I love you". My boyfriend and I first exchanged the words "I love you" only a month (if even that) after we started dating (only about a month after we met). Both of us were shocked to do it so soon, but the moment we first said it it was perfect for both of us and we were equally happy and relieved by it. Saying those words the first time was the most terrifying and wonderful moment of my life. I had never said them, in that context, to anyone before. Dating wasn't very interesting to me at all before I met the man I am with now. I didn't like it when men kissed me or hung on me, but I haven't been able to get enough of his kisses and embraces from him since that very first peck on the lips that he gave me.
He had tried to get into my pants our first three dates and then respectfully gave up. Later on, after we had said "I love you", the subject came up again. He had felt that I wasn't attracted to him because I hadn't let it go that far. I assured him that I had never been so attracted to any man and just wasn't quite ready to go that far. Our positions on the subject changed with time. I had gone from not ready to wondering if he found me attractive at all and he was the one who wanted to wait longer. After we did have sex the first time both of us were glad that we had waited that long because we have become so close in pretty much every other way. If we had had sex sooner, especially in the very beginning, then our relationship likely would be very different. I think that we probably wouldn't respect each other and wouldn't have been able to get to the point we're at now if we had rushed into it. Sure, our relationship happened extremely quickly, but it all felt right and is going great.
Honestly, I'm not sure what kinda world you're living in, but I can tell you that there is no rule in any relationship, it's all about feeling comfy for either party.
Now, for your question: I don't think so. I know some relationships never even use the "L" word because they know that they love themselves and don't need artificial words to strengthen their relationship. As for example, my friend has it going on for 4 years in their relationship and the only time they said the three loveliest lies were when they started their relationship after a week of dating. And now about sex, you don't even need to say the "L" word before or after sex or anytime, it's really about having the feel that both party is feeling it.
And I agree with what ChinKyElla said, sex is very intimate, but some people do not think that way, how are you going to cope with stereotypes and sex-addicts? That's why the three month rule or the three words is irrelevant in this case.
I don't want to blow this out, but the relationship I had two years ago was fake. We kept saying I love you's, the world's loveliest lie and we end up having a weird relationship. It's like, she was begging me to say the "L" word or she would feel insecure. It's like, when we made love (sorry, but it's related to your question), she wanted to make sure I would say those words, which made me not comfortable at all. Of course, that relationship didn't last, but honestly, you really don't need to say those words unless you really are into the fake lies that everyone says each day, that you need those words to melt your heart and make sure you're his or hers (I respect same-sex couples as well).
Also, I never had a 3 months deal or the rule with my only past relationship, actually, she was the one making the move. That was only a month. She kept insisting that she loves me and asked me if I loved her too. She was being the top of the relationship, and not respecting my limits, and wanted to make sure I say those three words.
Anyways, it's really YOU to think it out, because I don't think there's a rule applied to everyone and not everyone thinks like you and your cousin. Also, one month, three months, a year to say I love you is totally unnecessary, so is sex. Some relationships can go on for a year without even having sexual contact at all, and it doesn't mean that they don't love each other, but there's more than just physical attraction and body lust.
I hope I've gave you something instructive, sorry if I didn't. I'm still a beginner into love psychology.
Good luck!
Wow! You have some long comments! I'll *try* to keep it simple.
In relationships, it's okay to have personal rules and standards if that's how you want to handle yourself. In the end though, you have to be careful not to let those rules end something that could be great.
You should have sex when, and only when, you're ready to have sex with that person. That's different for everybody. Some people want "love" first, some people don't care, some people wait 3 months. It just depends.
One thing's for sure though, you shouldn't be choosing your actions based on what other people tell you to do. If your cousin says wait three months, that doesn't mean that a waiting period like that will work for you.